On the Path: Self-Reflection: To Be a Real Man
If you're always in pursuit, you'll never get there.
This is actually two newsletters in one.
I wrote the second part first… and I realized that if I sent that out by itself, you might be confused as to why. Part 2 is a reflection on my life… very personal. But the point of this newsletter is to share things that can be helpful to YOU, not just musings or reflections on MY life!
So I went back and wrote part 1, to help create context some context. In part 1, you’ll find guidelines for getting the most out of your reading of part 2, along with some questions for you to consider about your own life while you’re reading.
Feel free to read any of it, all of it, or none of it. Whatever suits you. You might want to mark this email as unread and come back to it tonight, or tomorrow, or over the weekend.
It’s long(ish)… and to get the most out of it, you’ll have to do a little thinking work of your own.
But if you do decide to hang with it, and read it the way I’ve laid out, I promise… it will be worth it.
Andy
Part 1:
So there I was… hanging out drinking coffee on Saturday morning listening to my custom DJ picks on Spotify, when the song “What Was I Made For” by Billie Eilish came on. It short-circuited my immediate plans because as I listened to the words, remembering the Barbie Movie (yes, THAT one), tears started to form… and then flow… as the words penetrated and reminded… all of which caught me slightly off-guard in that moment.
I sat down to start writing about what I was experiencing… and what came out was a piece about me, my life, and getting to where I am, today.
And after going back and reading what I wrote, I was quite uncertain… Is this something I should share? I asked inside, repeatedly.
After reflecting, I decided, yes… it is. So THAT’s what’s in Part 2.
But I have a specific request of you in how you read it. Of course, you may choose not to - which is totally fine by me - because it’s a bit on the long side, and is filled with personal reflections. But I promise if you do, and you read it the way I’m requesting that you do, it contains a lot of value for you.
You see, in part 2, I’m going to share with you a deeply personal story about how I’ve connected the dots in my life. How many of the pieces fit together. How the beliefs I formed as a kid shaped my life for 50+ years, and how they have been running my life ever since, without me actually knowing it (since at any moment in those years, had someone asked why I was doing what I was doing, I would have responded something like, “Because this is just the way I am”). These beliefs have influenced all of the most important decisions of my life, and have determined so much about how I’ve taken action over the years.
The real value in the story has nothing to do with you. The gold lies in the meaning it has for ME, the way I can use it to help me unwind so many of these threads, and how it will allow me to create so many new possibilities for my life in the years to come.
So, how should YOU read it so that you get the most value?
As you read Part 2, Do NOT read it about me. Read it about you… read it about finding the gold in your own story, in your life. Read it to start getting curious, asking yourself questions, to start looking deeply, seeking out and finding your own answers, and then more questions. Read it as if it’s about YOU and the possibilities for YOUR life. And while you do, start to reflect on these questions:
What is your story? What are the themes and threads? What are the inflection points?
What choices did YOU make that got you where you are today?
How did you make sense of the world growing up and into young adulthood?
What assumptions did you make?
What beliefs did you formulate?
What IS success to you now? What was it when you were a teenager? And how about when were 25?
How did your beliefs help you create the life you have now?
How have they served you?
How are they holding you back?
How are your beliefs keeping you from deeper truths?
What is the question under the question?
How are you still acting on old beliefs to achieve your ideas, old or new, of success?
How are the things you do by habit or choice to make your life work (enough), to be happy (enough), or perhaps to just get by, actually keeping you stuck in a pattern that keeps you pointed toward an old belief of what you should be doing to succeed or be happy?
What are you settling for?
Choose any one of these questions, or choose them all… and head down the wormhole. Give yourself permission to explore, and then notice what you see.
Even if you don’t ready MY story below, these questions above can be very helpful for you. My intention, should you decide to read on, is that my story will help you see something possible for you that lays hidden, deep inside, the story behind the story… as this is what it has done, and continues to do, for me.
Enjoy…
Andy
Part 2:
I am a man. And what does that mean?
Well, I certainly wasn’t born knowing. But sometime before high school, in the first 13 years of my life, I formulated my beliefs around what that meant. I didn’t share it with anyone else… in fact, if you had asked me at the time, I don’t know that I would have been able to tell you. But now, 40 years later, I know. The following were at the core of my beliefs:
Men are strong. Men have it together. Men don’t cry. Men are physically capable of hard shit. Men get it done. Men don’t fail. Men persevere. Men are winners. They fly planes, drive ships, fight in battles, and serve their country. Real men do hard shit. They are leaders. They are serious, smart, and quick-witted. They are strong, fit, and are physical specimens. Real men push hard. Real men play sports (well) and don’t shy away from a challenge. Real men are tough. They look good, play hard, get messy, and clean up nice. Real men don’t let their feelings get in the way. Real men aren’t given anything - they have to work for it, they earn it, they prove they deserve it. They are rough, dirty, curse, shoot guns, have thick beards, and clean up nice. Real men do whatever is needed.
Thinking about it now, much of what I believed about real men came from the example my grandfather set, the books I read, and the movies I watched. None of it is bad, in fact lots of those things are part of how I see myself today. However, looking through the lens of my limited view of reality, at the time it consisted of all the things that I perceived I wasn’t, and it left out all the beautiful things that I was.
It was the internal compass by which I organized myself, and served as my North Star. It also served as my judge. It had nothing to do with anything my family did, said, or didn’t do. In fact, quite the opposite. I had an incredibly supportive family who stood behind me and were my biggest cheerleaders… for which I am eternally grateful. Nope… this inner voice, judge, and set of beliefs was all MY own making.
Since I saw myself as missing and lacking pretty much all of these traits, I had my work cut out for me. This work at the time was more in my head than it was anywhere else. My inner dialog was constantly jabbering about how much I didn’t measure up, wasn’t enough, should be doing and achieving more, should be smarter and get better grades, should be getting things faster, should be more efficient and productive, and should be more of a success. None of this, however, had anything to do with reality or who I was, it was all in my head.
I was a joyful little kid… a total lover of life… I got excited about many things, was full of wonder, creativity, curiosity, and was pretty sensitive (I remember the difficulty of learning to hold back the tears - all the time).
I was also a super-talented musician. Before the age of 10, I had played the violin, piano, drums, baritone, french horn, and trumpet, and by the time I finished high school, I had added trombone, cello, string bass, and electric bass to the list (though trumpet was always number one).
Music came very easily to me… it was like I was made for it… it vibrated through me… I didn’t have to try to play any of these instruments, it just flowed. Sure, I had to learn the technical aspects - technique, embouchure, fingerings, how to read treble and bass clef, bowing, handling drum sticks, etc. And I wasn’t so good at a few of them (violin comes to mind). Though some came easier than others, music… it WAS me.
I’ll never forget my freshman year of college… taking first-year music theory at 8 am on Tuesdays and Thursdays. We would be doing ear training… where the professor plays an interval on the piano (major 3rd, perfect 5th, minor 7th, etc), and we had to identify what it was out loud in front of the class when he called your name. For me, this was like asking me the name of the street I grew up on, or the name of one of my best friends… it was silly EASY. I would be sitting in class trying to stay awake (8 am was EARLY in those days), but failing miserably. Our teacher would play an interval on the piano, and then would call my name. I’d be sitting there, slouched forward trying, unsuccessfully, to hide my sleepiness, eyes closed, and usually mid-head-bob or drool (part of why he was calling on me). Don’t ask me how I was conscious enough to hear my name being called or the interval he was playing (sometimes I got a nudge from my friend, Lynn)… but I always found a way to suddenly come to life. And I can remember repeating the notes in my mind, then just knowing the answer. I never missed (much to the chagrin of my classmates… AND the teacher!)
But music and all the ways of being that came with it from my limited perspective - (beauty, sensitivity, love, emotion, passion, empathy, kindness, softness, inspiration, fanfare, creativity, joy, sorrow, bliss, etc) bucked up against all that I believed about what a “real man” should be. I have no idea why it never occurred to me that these things were just as much a part of being a real man as the others were. Well, I do know… it didn’t fit the narrative of me being not enough.
As I grew up in this incredible musical environment ( all of my family members were highly accomplished musicians), I can remember wanting nothing more than to be ANYTHING other than what I was. Because to me, as sensitive, musical kid, I was missing out on ALL the things that boys who would become real men had. There was NOTHING cool, strong, or manly about a kid like me who played the trumpet… no matter how accomplished I got.
As I got older and was introduced to new groups of people who didn’t know me as a musician, I would do everything I could to keep my musical talents a secret. I went to Maryland Boy’s State in 9th grade… a 5-day camp for boys to teach them about government and leadership. We were instructed to bring our instruments if we played one. So of course, I complied, but I buried it in the bottom of my foot locker and covered it with as much stuff as I could so no one would find it. I just wanted to be like everyone else… and I knew that if they did find it, it would change everything. Sure enough… that’s what happened.
And so… from the time I got away from the influence of my family, living on a college campus that was 6-hours from home and outside of the musical solar system I had grown up in, as a trumpet major at the Eastman School of Music, I made the seemingly impossible decision to give up the trumpet (actually, it was pretty easy for me)… and music altogether.
And from that moment on, I pointed myself toward the “Real Man North Star” that I thought held all the answers. I became the things that most people in my adult life know me by today… United States Marine, adventure sports junkie (skiing, snowboarding, mountain biking, whitewater kayaking, mountaineering, outrigger paddling, orienteering, rock climbing), adventure racer, personal trainer, CrossFit early adopter, CF community builder and leader, CF affiliate founder, and CF games athlete, and health/wellness leader/entrepreneur as co-founder of the online game Whole Life Challenge.
I found a way to excel in all of these pursuits. From the outside, it looked like my passion for the activities I was engaged in came from my love of adventure, the outdoors, the ocean, mountains, jungles, rivers, waves, human performance, and finding my way with a map and compass. It looked like the pursuit of adventure, competition, and health and fitness were what drove me. If I saw another man doing something new, exciting, and fun that I hadn’t done, and it looked hard enough (requiring something ‘manly’), I’d immediately feel a pull toward it.
But what I’ve come to realize more recently is that while I had a real love of the excitement and adventure in all of these pursuits, there was something much deeper going on that drove all it all… the hidden (even to me) desire to live into being a real man. Everything I had done had been in the pursuit of that… without me consciously knowing it.
Here’s the funny/not funny thing… even after 40 years in its pursuit, it has always eluded me. In my mind, I’ve never, ever been close to achieving it.
No matter what I tried… even getting to the top in many of these areas, winning awards, prizes... while they felt good at the moment, that feeling lasted between an hour and a month. It wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough.
I could never understand why it was so easy for me to go from the pinnacle of one sport, activity, or pursuit, to being a complete neophyte in another… until recently.
I didn’t love the thing I was doing… ever. I was on a quest… to achieve “real man status” that thus far had eluded me. I was fully engaged in filling-in those things that I believed were missing in me. As I checked boxes in one area, I would immediately turn my attention to something else where the boxes weren’t checked, perceiving my status as not enough and not there yet.
I truly believed that achieving mastery and accomplishing all that I could in sport, fitness, adventure, and business would move me closer to that.
Turns out I was wrong.
When the picture you have of yourself is one of lack, scarcity, and one in which something is missing and you’re not enough, you keep recreating lack, scarcity, and not-enoughness in whatever environment or situation you’re in - even if you’re at the top of your game. There is always an area in which you don’t measure up. You learn to seek it out, it appears instantly. And when you find it, it reminds you that you still have a long way to go to “get there”. But instead of looking away and continuing on the path you’re on, if you’re me, you decide you’re going to make THAT your next attempt to prove your real manhood (subconsciously, of course). This whole system (perfectly designed by yours truly) is based on choosing things outside of your comfort zone and reach that satisfy one or more beliefs about manliness, for two reasons: 1. to remind yourself that you’re still not there, and 2. to set your sights on proving that you can get there.
But the thing is, there is no “there” there. It feels like you’re getting closer with every step you take, success you log, accolade you collect… but it’s just an illusion. The horizon keeps pace perfectly… so you never actually get anywhere.
It hasn’t been until the last 4 years of my life that I’ve stopped this. I had a big swift kick in the ass from the Universe, and it took me a year to reorient myself and get moving in a different direction. That work continues… shedding the old layers to make room for the new.
I know now that the fulfillment that I looked for for most of my life “out there” has actually been with me, inside of me all of this time. And while I’ve collected a ton of life experience and awesome skills over the past 40 years, I’ve stopped the pursuit of anything, really, other than aligning myself with me, with life, with the Universe (God), and swimming with the current. I’ve started to trust myself, my innate intelligence, intuition, and most importantly, my heart. I’ve started to listen generously, for myself and others. I’ve started to see myself as whole and complete, missing nothing, perfect in all my perceived imperfections, with nothing to prove, and no expectations to live up to. And most importantly, I’ve started to treat myself with the compassion, understanding, and love that I used to find so easily for my son when he was about 6 months old.
I’m tired of pretending to be something I’m not. I’m tired of aiming toward a North Star that is made up out of my own sense of lack, to get to a place that’s impossible to find, to fill a hole inside that I created and have been digging non-stop for decades, to prove something to myself that proving will never satisfy. It’s exhausting!
Turns out, the place I’ve been trying to get to, that has been hidden from view from all these years, is the place I’ve always been - and what I’ve not been able to see. As Dorothy said, “There is no place like home.” Home is in my heart. It’s been there all along. This pursuit of being a real man has me worn out… I AM A REAL MAN… just as I am.
The truth is, I’m a big softie… full of love, joy, fun, and curiosity. More than anything else I love snuggling up on a couch to watch a movie, or read a book. I love when I’m moved to tears, and crying in general - really. I love emotional, melodic, melancholy, soft, and inspiring music that makes me feel something inside (yes, even when working out). I love the color purple. I love doing things early in the morning, new things as well as those that are routine, before most others are up, that are hard, that in the moment I don’t really want to do, and that most others wouldn’t do. I love not thinking or worrying about how I look. I love the journey inward toward a deeper understanding of who I am, and who we are, collectively. And while I still like (and am pretty good at) all the adventurous, physical stuff I’ve done over the last 40 years, I’d gladly trade any of them for a deep conversation over coffee or a phone call; an easy walk in the woods; having a listening, singing, dance, or music-making party with people I love; sharing innermost thoughts and feelings with someone about the challenges and wonders in life; getting or giving a big, long, loving, genuine and heartfelt hug; contemplating consciousness, why we’re here, the magnitude of the Universe; and/or taking a meditative inward spiritual journey (psychedelic or otherwise) toward the deeper reaches of spirit, soul, God, and life’s purpose.
And that… all of that… and all of me… is enough.
Please comment, and share if you feel compelled to do so.
But I appreciate you reading. Thanks to the new subscribers! 😊😊
Thank you, Andy! You’re an incredibly insightful human.