On the Path: I want to be somewhere I'm not

I want to be somewhere I’m not.

I’m sick.

Not miserably sick, but sick nonetheless.

And it’s the start of the New Year.

This is the last place I want to be.

It’s like everything has come to a screeching halt (at least in my mind).

I’m coughing and sneezing. My throat hurts. I have a headache.

I want to be anywhere but here.

And yet, I am here.

So… what to do?

I was talking to my son the other day about life, and how the real trick is to be able to swim with the current, no matter where the current leads. I was explaining to him how when caught in a rip current, the way to survive (and not drown) is to swim either with the current or perpendicular to it because swimming against it will just wear you out and will reduce your odds of surviving.

Swim WITH the current. Hmmm… That was great advice… for him.

But here? Now? And for me? I don’t think so. That seems like a terrible idea. Because the last thing I want to do is to surrender to being sick. I’m afraid of what that says about me. I’m afraid that it makes me weak, a quitter, someone who gives up, someone who isn’t a fighter, and who can’t be counted on. I should be able to push through. I should work anyway. I shouldn’t give in to the sickness. I should be able to keep going. I shouldn’t need to take a nap or sleep in. I shouldn’t be sick. In fact, I shouldn’t ever get sick. I should be getting things done to get my year started right. I should be like everyone else in the world that isn’t sick.

So not only am I sick, but I’m fighting being sick.

I want to be somewhere I’m not… and in some deep dark illogical place in my mind, I think that somehow fighting it, not accepting it, pretending I’m not sick will serve me, when in reality it’s only making my predicament worse. Fighting it isn’t helping me heal. Fighting it isn’t making me feel any better. Fighting it is putting me in a state of resistance… and where there is resistance there is a lack of ease… or… dis-ease.

I’m sick, and I’m making myself sicker. Great.

So… what to do?

The answer might be easy to see, but doing it… that’s quite another thing.

Surrender.

Be sick.

Get under the covers. Rest. Sleep. Watch some TV. Do nothing.

Accept the fact that I am where I am.

The best thing I can do? Accept myself for where I am, and release myself from all of the expectations and judgments. Let go of all the shoulds and shouldn’ts. Create alignment with what is. Because on the other side of the fight and all the self-judgment, is what I really need… self-compassion, nurturing, and love. Self-love.

I remember when I was a kid… when I got sick, and my Mom bundled me up on the couch, and served me orange juice and chicken noodle soup. I didn’t have a care in the world and felt very taken care of and loved. I wasn’t trying to be anywhere else… in fact I was pretty content to be right where I was (except for being sick).

That is the best environment for healing… clearly.

Now that I’m older, I realize that no one is going to create that loving environment for me. Mom’s not coming to save me. The only way it’s going to happen is if I create it for myself. And that means addressing my thinking… because all the blankets, chicken noodle soup, and Netflex won’t create nurturing, loving, and healing if my mind is too busy judging me for my weaknesses.

No… it’s time to stop the madness. Stop resisting. Accept where I am. Take my own advice to my son and swim with the current. Treat myself with love and compassion. Forgive myself for the judgments. Create the environment (in my head) that is loving, compassionate, and nurturing. And bundle up on the couch with a pillow and blanket, a good book, a cup of tea, and the TV remote.

I want to be right where I am.